Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
