can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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