I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
