I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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