ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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