It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
