i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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