I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
