even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
