it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize