I cut my penus on the lid.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
this is an emotional support booty call
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize