At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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