my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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