we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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