i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Bring me that man meat
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
