I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
