Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
