I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
