i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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