i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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