if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
