yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize