Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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