Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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