god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize