I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
