I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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