I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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