Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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