Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
