I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
