my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
