Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
