You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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