hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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