I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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