i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
