I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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