i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
