They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
