Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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