dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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