I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
