My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
