Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
