Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
