life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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