I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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