dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
