im about as happy as oj after his trial
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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