OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
