i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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