Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
