Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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