we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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